A Fork In the Road

 

Welcome to your weekly 1 on 1, where I tackle some of your most challenging questions concerning Engineering, Global Leadership, Life in Japan and more.

Today I'd like to offer a reflection on how to recieve harsh critique.

It's been a while since I've been called "naive", and honestly I didn't take the critique well. I smiled and nodded, emoting that... "hm... yes, I could see where your feedback is coming from." But on the inside, pride and entitlement slipped in softly. It's been about a week now and I'm still a bit cut up about it.

We all receive feedback from time to time that may land outside the realm of what the giver intended. Honest feedback that is meant to propel us forward on our growth journey, can actually stop us in our tracks. Or worse, seed unspoken resentment that simmers over time.

I've had the privilege of working for exceptional leaders over the last decade within JNJ, and yet each of these leaders has at one point or another spoken something well-meaning yet harsh. Call me a softy, but I do internalize and "feel" their words. They impact my sense of belonging on the team as well as my level of trust in leadership. Because the financial well-being of my family is also tied to their perceptions of me, this kind of direct feedback can be even more unsettling.

Yet over the course of my career, I've been given the feedback that I'm really good at receiving feedback. Which was a bit of a surprise. Even though I war within myself when something harsh is spoken to me, I tend to have an openness to try new things. I can internalize these strong words and find a direct application without coming off as "uncoachable".

For example, I was once given feedback that I wasn't a team player but rather, I tended to be too focused on doing my own thing. I had a lot of resistance to this critique because from my perspective I was advancing innovation that was critical for the business. My boss began to stress the importance of reputation management. If I didn't crush it with my core team first, then all my other work would be in vain. And thus, we approached a fork in the road. A turning point. A paradigm shift.

Every time we receive harsh critique we're empowered with a choice. What will we do with the words we've been given? How will we process our emotions and control our responses? What aspects of the critic do we internalize and what aspects do we reject? Finally are we willing to recognize that while these words may have been delivered harshly, they aren't loaded with malicious intent. Note: The scope of this post is for harsh criticism given by leaders we trust. The leaders genuinely mean well for us. Harsh critique from toxic bosses is outside the scope of this blog.

When it came to a fork in the road, I was still resistant to the feedback that I wasn't a team player. It actually took additional feedback from the lead design engineer, for me to realize that I was preoccupied with "my own" things and had let project deliverables slip. This started a journey of asking clarifying questions to my boss about other times when he had seen me playing for my own team. I began shifting my own priorities to better sustain the team. Another thing I modified was making sure that my side explorations were a bit less visible. These extracurriculars were essential to who I was as a creative, but they were a hindrance to my reputation.

Taking the time to contextualize harsh critique, led to actionable shifts in how I carried myself at work. For instance, five years later, I still do "shadow work" on side passion projects, but I make sure that I crush it with my core team in a more visible way. So... maybe I'm a bit naive. It's an area where I need to do some deep processing and review not only prior actions... but also how my actions have been perceived. While other's perceptions of us aren't always aligned with who we are, they still carry meaning. If I want to advance in my global leadership journey, I need to better understand where the perspectives of naivety come from and grow from there.

I have to be coachable. I have to excel at receiving feedback, even when it hurts. Even when it feels like a hot knife to my pride and ego. And most importantly, I need to continue to recognize that the harsh critique comes from a place of care and support. These words aren't meant to exclude me from the table but rather provide a fresh path for me to be more included as I grow.

So may you revisit the words that wounded you on your career journey.

May you recognize them as a fork in the road... a choice for you to take a new path. I trust you'll find your way.

And as always, keep changing the world.

~ The Pretentious Engineer